Life update.

Hi. I don’t know where to start so this is probably gonna be messy but I believe that a quick life update could maybe be in order.

School:

In February I decided that I really truly hated my Spanish class and while I could probably BS my way through the class with a decent grade, if I kept at it, I was going to come away hating Spanish. So I hopped onto cattracks to see if I could find a half semester class to replace it with and discovered that if I took two more classes I could finish my associates degree.  That was, if I could go half a credit over the credit limit. In the most Boston way possible and with a plan in mind I showed up to an academic advisor. Many times, when I show up to these sorts of things I ask a few questions I already know the answers to and give the poor sap who got stuck advising my extra little butt a warm up. This time I showed up and said “I have a long story hear me out.” We figured it out. There were quite literally two classes being offered that fulfilled the requirements I needed and I took them both. Taking so many classes was really hard and really stressful, but really fulfilling. I am so proud of myself for rising to the challenge and tying up my classes.

Work:

Multiple times throughout the last year I have thought I had found a Pharmacy to finish my extern hours at. Multiple times I was promised a job and then denied one. But, had some of them worked out the way I wanted, I couldn’t have finished my degree. Still looking. Still trying. I took a 2-week temp job being an AP test reader assistant (Wow. How on brand for me.) It was looooong hours but I made some amazing friends and I am so so glad that I did it. Now back to finding a pharmacy.

Health:

My body is never going to work like a normal person’s body. That can be really hard to accept. Back in December I had a checkup with my POTS doctor(s) and I mentioned that I wanted to go on a mission. I always imagined that I would have to convince them that I could do it. I always imagined I would have to fight and advocate for it. I didn’t. Both doctors in the office thought that I was doing really well and with the timeline I gave them, told me they could do my physical and shots at my next appointment in May. I was thrilled! They told me I might have some restrictions and there would definitely be countries I wouldn’t be allowed to go to. That was fine with me. I want to be set up for success.

In May I went back and they were so impressed with my progress that they signed all my paperwork without restrictions. I could be called anywhere in the world and work a normal missionary schedule. (Holy crap, I could be called anywhere in the world. That’s a little terrifying.) #HeLives to calm my troubled heart. I am so so blessed.

oh, also I had to have toe surgery in doing all the mission stuff. woo hooo.

Teeth:

After my mother pulled out her momma bear claws, the Orthodontist finally gave me a date for my braces to come off so that I could start mission paperwork! And then yesterday they discovered a mistake they made and they need more time to fix. Hahahahaha if you hear about me going to jail you will know why. Hoping and praying that by July 11 they will be ready. Deciding and warning that the braces will be coming off that day regardless. Watch out. The dentist was great though. Still never had a cavity even with braces. woot woot.

Temple

This shouldn’t have been such a big deal? I started having promptings to prepare to go to the temple for myself clear back when I was in China. I got a new home ward Bishop who was all for it, then my records got transferred to a college bishop who thought I was silly to even be thinking about going to the Temple and going on a mission until after my teeth were taken care of. I transferred my records home only to discover that my stake president wanted me to take a formal Temple Prep class. Someone was called in my ward and scheduled to start after a month. That person stopped showing up to church? Someone new was called and scheduled to start another month and a half later. Then the class was 3 months long. My bishop probably got really annoyed with my asking, but the Holy Ghost would not leave me alone about it. It was so frustrating to feel like the spirit was telling me one thing and my priesthood leaders were telling me another. Finally, finally, on May 13^th I went to the temple for myself and the peace that has come is amazing. I have many new questions and lots and lots to still learn. But the peace that has fallen over my soul is beyond worth the wait. I needed this. I don’t know why I had to wait so long. I do know that my pestering for a Temple Prep class has made it possible for several other kids in my ward to begin preparation early rather than feel rushed. There’s a silver lining. I am extremely grateful for the people who taught my class. I still wish it had all worked out sooner, but I am so so glad I had the chance to learn with them.

Mission:

The papers are in! FINALLY! My letter will probably come while I am on vacation with my family. That’s okay. I am so so excited to finally have my turn to serve. Has the wait been easy? No. Has it been worth it? Technically yes but also, I am still frustrated that it was so long. I have more peace now knowing that it is coming. I finally feel like the things I want are happening. I can’t wait!

We'll sing and we'll shout

The Hymns have always had a special place in my heart.

Think back to your favorite primary programs. You know the little girl on the back row singing louder than every other child on the stand? Not the one that makes you giggle because she's out of tune or because she does't know the words. The one that is actually doing a decent job and loooooving every minute of it? That was me. Now it's my sister. We don't plan to change any time soon.

I have always loved to sing and I especially love to harmonize. My mom and sister and I sing and play in the car. One of my favorite parts of both High school and University choir has been learning the songs of praise. More recently a few of my favorite hymns have become even more meaningful to me and today I plan to write about why. 

First up, a forever Anderson+Sonoda family favorite. 

• I Know That My Redeemer Lives. 

Forever a Family favorite. Especially since my BFF Erika came to stay with us from Japan a few years ago and learned it. She sang it again to me when we went to visit her in Japan. We sang it again together just this year when she came to visit again. That song fills her with a feeling of happiness she cannot even describe. Hearing it in Japanese sets my soul on fire. 

When we learned this song in primary, we were split into groups. "My verse" was verse 3. An excellent choice and dear to my heart. More recently however, verse 2 has pushed my primary verse out of the spotlight. 

2. He lives to grant me rich supply.

He lives to guide me with his eye.

He lives to comfort me when faint.

He lives to hear my soul's complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.

He lives to wipe away my tears.

He lives to calm my troubled heart.

He lives all blessings to impart.

Ya know who feels faint a whole awful lot? This girl. Ya know who has a lot of fears? Whoop, me

again. I have shed quite a few tears. I have a real-deal, medically diagnosed, troubled heart. But He lives. He grants me rich supply, he 

guides me because His eyes will always be better than mine. He has so many blessings to impart. I

know that my body doesn't have a chance to ever be one to run and not be weary. But because of Him

I can trust that I can walk, and He will comfort me when faint. 

• How Firm a Foundation.

Why do they teach us songs in primary but not teach us all the verses? This is another one that I had

to learn the other verses on my own. This song was my China song. When I was feeling nervous or

sick or scared or lonely when I was in China, I listened to this song on repeat. I would be praying for

strength and peace and have this song pop into my mind. Once again, I love all the verses, but verse 2

in particular speaks to my soul. 

2. In ev’ry condition—in sickness, in health,

In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth

At home or abroad, on the land or the sea—

As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,

As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

I was sick, I was abroad, and my days sometimes just felt a little too demanding. But it didn't stop at verse 2

3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

I was scared. I was lonely. But I was not alone. I was upheld by his righteous omnipotent hand. I can do hard things. I can do scary things. I can look back and remember that some things are hard and some things are scary and be grateful for the lessons I learned and the experiences I had.

4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,

And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

5. When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design

Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

Sometimes it feels like we are being punished. Sometimes it feels like life is crumpling around us.These verses were not specific to China, but just for life. Sometimes becoming hurts. It’s scary tobe refined. Sometimes I can’t see how everything could possibly turn out well when it feels like allmy plans are falling to pieces around me. I can only wait and have hope that He can sanctify mydistress. I’m still waiting. I’m still hoping.

·         The Spirit of God

Another forever favorite. In light of recent events, verse 3 has been on my mind as of late.

3. We'll call in our solemn assemblies in spirit,

To spread forth the kingdom of heaven abroad,

That we through our faith may begin to inherit

The visions and blessings and glories of God.

“Solemn assemblies are used for three purposes: the dedication of temples, special instruction to priesthood leaders, and sustaining a new President of the Church.” 

-Elder David B. Haight. October 1994.

We recently had the sustaining of a new prophet. To say it the way my mission prep teacher

does, “There’s a new sheriff in town and he is not sitting still.” President Nelson has already made many big, historic announcements. He is spreading forth the kingdom of Heaven abroad. I for one am so grateful that I have an opportunity to watch this new era unfold. I cannot wait to see what happens next.

Sacrament Talk, Behold your little ones.

I recently had the opportunity to speak in sacrament. I remember as a Beehive I spoke in sacrament on Repentance. I was so nervous. I could not possibly think of anything I could teach any adult in the room that they hadn't heard before. My perspective has changed a bit since then. I have come to realize that we all have room to learn and grow from each other. Enjoy my thoughts. 

Behold your little ones.

Right off the bat I want to say that we are all little ones. We are all beloved spirit sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother who’s “work and glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life” (Moses 1:39) of each and every one of us. The Psalmist wrote, “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Ps. 127:3). WE are the heritage of the Lord.  

When His disciples asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? … Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and said, … Whosoever … shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me” (Matt. 18:1–5).

We all have that capacity. We all have that opportunity if we choose it.

Because we are literal children of God, meaning both Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, we can learn about teaching children from the ways that they have taught us. We can also learn about learning from paying attention to how children learn.

                Behold your little ones is the name of the nursery manual. So naturally, the nursery manual is a good place to start. I was a little surprised at how many “nursery rules” apply to all of us. Like when my grandma says that everything we need to know in life we learn in kindergarten, so many of the things we need to learn in the gospel begin in nursery. The nursery manual says:

“The purpose of the nursery class is to help children learn the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and live it. The nursery class should help the children increase their understanding of and love for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, have positive experiences in a Church setting, and grow in feelings of self-worth.” (Nursery manual)

The purpose of nursey is very foundational and somewhat universal. We all have the same needs. We all come to church to grow in love and understanding for our Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ. We all need positive experiences in church settings or we won’t want come back. We all want to grow in our feelings of self worth.

The nursery manual also says “Many nursery-age children are not emotionally or socially ready to share toys and other playthings. Do not force them to share if they don’t want to.” (Nursery manual)

Wow. Well if that ain’t me. I am often not emotionally or socially ready to share my thoughts and feelings to a group. That’s okay. We don’t have to share if we don’t want to. That isn’t why we come here.  More from the manual,

“As you teach these lessons, be sensitive to the home and family situations of the children. When a lesson refers to the children’s parents or families, consider the feelings of any children who are being raised by a single parent, by grandparents, or by other family members.

Also be sensitive to the feelings of any children in your nursery who have physical disabilities. Focus on the things the children can do, not what they cannot do.” (Nursery manual)

We all come from wildly different backgrounds with a huge range of abilities to learn and grow together. None of God’s children look or act exactly the same. But that does not change that we are all beloved children of God. It is our job to be kind to each other. To be understanding of each other and to love each other not just in spite of, but because of our differences.

The Nursery manual also includes a letter to parents. a few instructions included in that letter are

·         Take care of your child’s restroom and feeding needs before taking him or her to the nursery class

·         Inform the nursery leaders if your child has a special challenge, such as a food allergy

·         Please do not bring your child to nursery when they are sick.

A few things we can learn from these lines are:

·         physical needs usually have to be met before spiritual needs can be a priority. Take care of yourself and take care of each other.

·         It is okay to let your ward family know if you are facing special challenges. We are here to learn and grow together but also to uplift and strengthen each other.

·         And it is okay to stay home when you are not well. Both mentally and physically. Sometimes it is too hard. That’s okay. A great example of this is sometimes we hear stories of missionaries who lost a family member while they were out serving or became seriously ill while they were far away. Yes, it is amazing and inspiring if they stay despite their struggles. But if they choose to come home to grieve, or need to come home because they are sick, they are still worthy missionaries. They are still children of God. They are still our brothers and sisters and they deserve our understanding and our love.

Now we flip it. How can we teach our children, and teach each other, in the way that our Heavenly Parents teach us? First off, is line upon line, precept on precept, here a little, there a little. We meet them at their level, like our Heavenly Parents do for us. Much like Ammon teaching king and queen lamoni in the book of Alma. King and Queen Lamoni  only had a loose understanding of God. Ammon did not tell them that they were wrong, he built on what they already knew.  Nursery, Primary, Sunday school, Young Women’s and Young Men’s, Seminary, institute, Priesthood, Relief Society. We teach the sunbeams to sing “I am a child of God” but we don’t break out the old testament and break it down the way we do in seminary. We teach the law of chastity very differently to the Beehives compared to how we teach it to the Laurels. We have different needs.  We meet each other where we are and build on what we already know.

We teach our children, and each other, through example from the time they are small. The Stripling Warriors were so incredibly faithful and so incredibly successful, in huge part because of their parents. Their parents were not only covenant makers and covenant keepers but they were covenant teachers and taught their children the importance of keeping their covenants with God.

Boyd K. Packer once said:

 “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.”

We teach each other correct principles and let each other govern themselves. We come here to church to learn and grow together and to study the doctrine of Christ. Faith, repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the holy ghost and enduring to the end. When we understand those things, the things that are not in line with the gospel slowly fall away.  Our goal in coming here is to find a closer connection to Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Parents. To become more Christlike. To become kinder, more loving, more giving, more holy. When we put in the effort to come closer to Christ, to apply the atonement, we change. We become better versions of ourselves. Whatever our struggles are, big or small, dressing modestly or the law of chastity or the word of wisdom or being nicer to our siblings, as we put in the effort to learn of Christ, we become more like Christ and those things slowly become easier. Our natures change.

I want to close with a few reminders

·         Our skills, our good deeds, our kindness, our love is never wasted.

·         Our hearts, not our present trials and circumstances determine our blessings

·         Although we are Mothers and Fathers, sisters and brothers, teachers and friends when we act like mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, teachers and friends, we are all children of a Loving Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. Our worth was decided on long ago when Christ atoned for us and nothing can change that.

Not only are we literal Children of Heavenly Parents, but we have to potential to become just like them. Literal Queens and Kings of Heaven with all of the power and glory they have. They want that for us and they have given us instructions for how to get there. They have also give us earthly families and friends to help us get there. Take care of each other.

January institute rambles.

Knowledge written down is knowledge remembered. A testimony shared is a testimony gained. The pen is an antenna to the spirit. This is for me. Writing these things down here is for me. But you can read it too, if you please.

January has been a more trying month than I planned it to be. But it has also been a month for spiritual growth. I don’t think that our loving Heavenly Parents give us challenges, but I do think they are masters of turning bad situations into learning experiences. They also know that we are best at paying attention when we are humble, whether it’s through challenges or through choosing to try to align our will with theirs. January has been a little bit of both for me. I am trying to look at the positives and focus on the good. Here are a few really good things I have come to understand better these last few weeks.

                God doesn’t get angry the way we do. The scriptures teach that He is emotional. He is sad when we reject Him and His love. Have you ever been in a situation where a family member or close friend disappoints you over and over and over again? When you forgive them and choose to trust them, and they just do the same dumb thing again and again? You feel hurt. You feel unimportant. You feel like they don’t care about you enough to take the forgiveness and trust you have given them and try to change. God is the same way with each of us. When we don’t repent or try to become better, He becomes frustrated with us. The same way we get frustrated with each other. That doesn’t mean we stop loving each other or that He stops loving us. It just means that we are dealing with imperfect people.

                Much like History is easiest to understand when it is presented in a linear timeline, so is the Plan of Salvation. However, the truth resists simplicity. (also, so does history.) First came the ancient lands, Egypt, China and Mesopotamia. First came pre-mortal life. Then came Europe (trying to simplify here.) where historians often get carried away and do a bad job of explaining. Next came “now” and then comes the future. We are here on earth now, next will come paradise or prison, then comes lots of things that all seem to happen at once and teachers do a bad job of explaining, and then the 3 kingdoms of glory. The parts that are hardest for me to understand are the parts where it feels like everything is happening at once. (I’m looking at you Europe.)

                I have decided that woops, maybe I was wrong and linear equations are not all that easy to understand. (Me from Jr. High and High school is wondering how I ever got the idea that linear equations or anything of the like is easy to understand.) So, I’ve decided to look at it more like a puzzle. Our lives, our plans and our personal and global history do not move in straight even lines. But they do all fit together. Each puzzle piece is something we need to get back to our Heavenly Parents and we can’t have the full picture if any part of it is missing. The best part is, none of our puzzles, or our lives will look the same. They will all have things in common, but we each have our own individual Plan of Happiness. We will each meet people and have experiences that shape who we become. We must each be born and we must each die. We all need ordinances and covenants and the atonement. But the rest is individually tailored. How wonderfully exciting and also terrifying it is to know that my picture doesn’t look exactly the same as anyone else’s picture.

Patience.

Patience is not and has never been my strongest attribute. God feels it necessary to remind me of this often. But also, to give me opportunities to work at it often. Such is the very definition of a blessing and a curse. I am impatiently waiting for the day my braces come off and I can submit my mission papers. Waiting and going to college for a year was NOT my plan. It was His. Sometimes His plans frustrate me. Not because I don’t know that His plan is better than mine, but because sometimes I want Him to like my ideas. Sometimes I want to feel like my plan is good enough. Going on a mission is a GOOD thing, right? Why doesn’t he want me to go? Why doesn’t he trust me? Sometimes I feel like He is upset at me. It’s Satan. Satan tries to drag me down and make me feel unworthy and unloved.

I know in my heart that this year I am waiting is not only good for me, but eternally small in the messy timeline of my life. This time spent learning patience will do more to bless me than I can possibly know. So why is it so hard to wait? Why is it so difficult to put my plans on pause?

I can imagine myself in the premortal life being the exact same way. I can imagine myself looking down at this wonderful earth full of experiences to learn and grow and serve and wanting it sooo bad. I probably very impatiently awaited the opportunity to come get a body and experience all that He has to offer me here on earth just like I am currently impatiently awaiting my turn to serve. I watched others come down here and experience happiness and sadness and good things and bad things and I was frustrated then that others seemed to get the blessings I desperately wanted but I didn’t. I chose God’s plan too? I chose Jesus Christ. I wasn’t one of the followers of Satan, so why was I feeling like I had been cast off and forgotten?  Where was my moment in time? Here I am on earth, desperately hoping for the opportunities that come with going on a mission, feeling forgotten.

Be patient he tells me, for there is much to learn.

We, here, now, are God’s children of the latter days. The last dispensation. We were foreordained to come here at this time. All of us. You. Me. All across this globe, both those who know Christ and those who will never hear his name in this life, we were all chosen for now. It is not a coin toss or a straw draw. This is when we were meant to be here. Not because we were forgotten, not because we were an afterthought, but because we are always remembered. Because we are children of loving Heavenly Parents who want the best for us. This whole life is my moment. Not just a mission, not just getting married, not just the typical Mia Maid class 10-year checklist. My whole life. All of my pre-earth dreams are already coming true. I am already so much more than my unborn spirit thought I could be. Lately I’ve been feeling like I have no real control over my own life. People come and go. Illnesses and circumstances throw kinks in my plans all the time. I’m learning that even though the answers aren’t up to me, even though it doesn’t go my way and God will never like my ideas as much as His own, I am still becoming the best of me.

We don’t understand. We don’t know yet. Recently Elder Uchtdorf taught us that you can not connect the dots looking forward, only backward. Focusing on finding the dots you cannot see only brings frustration. Everything has a season. In Doctrine and Covenants Section 11 God spoke to Hyrum Smith saying

“15 Behold, I command you that you need not suppose that you are called to preach until you are called.

16 Wait a little longer, until you shall have my word, my rock, my church, and my gospel, that you may know of a surety my doctrine.

17 And then, behold, according to your desires, yea, even according to your faith shall it be done unto you.”

                The Book of Mormon had not even been completely translated when these words were given. God knows my name just as well as He knows Hyrum’s. He knows my desires as well. But it isn’t time yet. It probably is not something as life altering as the Book of Mormon, but there is a reason I am still here. I don’t know what it is yet, but it isn’t random. Even though I would love nothing more than to already be on a mission, I will be so grateful later that it didn’t go my way. Just like I am almost every time these things don’t go my way. 

Grateful

There are lots of things in this world to complain about. Trust me, I know. But today, I am grateful.

I got a few new pairs of compression tights a few weeks back and let me tell ya, it was awesome.

I have needed some new ones for a while now and had a few bumps in the road getting them, but 

they’re here, and I am ecstatic. All my old tights have been stretched and worn out and even have a few holes. The new ones are sooooo tight!

Look at the difference between the old tights and the new ones.

I put the new ones on and my whole head started to tingle. It feels amazing to have blood in your brain! My mom and Taylor can tell ya, my texts on the day I wore my new tights were a little silly because I was so excited. I was so happy and I felt so good. Almost too good. I kind of had a little bit of a headache by the end of the day. I felt tingley all day long.

I am so grateful to have new tights.

I am so grateful to have a little more blood in my brain and in my heart and a little less in my feet.

I am so grateful that someone invented compression gear.

I am so grateful that durable medical equipment is complex enough, yet simple enough to be clothing.

I am so grateful to have insurance that will pay for expensive compression gear.

I am grateful for medication.

I am so grateful that I found a doctor that wrote me prescription for clothing.

I am grateful for all the other prescriptions he wrote for me too.

I am grateful to have found a medical office where none of the staff treat me like a druggie or an attention seeker. Where they don’t call me “the picture of health” and ignore my pain just because my vitals look normal when I'm sitting down.

I am grateful for people who take my vitals when I'm standing up. 

I am grateful for the diagnosis that I was once terrified of. Diagnosis means treatment.

I am grateful that I am much healthier than I was last October.

There are so many things that are still so hard. There are still awful days where I feel like I am fighting with my own body. There are lots of “body positive” and “self-help” and “self-love” posts out on the internet about how your body does nothing but love you and take care of you, so you should love it back. I do love my body. But it isn’t always easy to love your body when your body is broken. My disease will probably never go away. My nervous system will never function normally.

But I am grateful that it functions better now than it used to.

I am grateful that I have learned a little bit about how to help my body help itself.

I am grateful that I didn’t stop looking for answers.

I am grateful for my bed, but I am even more grateful that I don’t feel confined to it anymore.

I am grateful that my good days now outnumber my bad days by a lot. I couldn’t say that last year. 

On China and POTS and struggles

This is gonna be rambley. Sorry. This post was originally named "How POTS got me to China the first time and almost made me leave early the second time." but that title sucks. The current title also sucks but whatevs. I don't know why I'm including the parts about Costco and Beijing. That's a completely different story than the story that is the point. I've always been the person that has to write a bit of word puke before I get my thoughts organized about the part that actually matters. I definitely did that with this post. Academically, including Costco and Beijing is lowering the power of my argument and story. This isn't academic. This isn't going viral. Very few people will read this. So I leave that part for me. Because I didn't remember it until recently and I don't want to forget it again. I'm terrible at journaling and I'm terrible at blogging. But for once I wrote a memory. So here it stays.

October 2016, I had just turned 18 and I was miserably sick with no relief in sight.

I had asked my mom months earlier if we could go skydiving for my 18^th birthday. She said she’d think about it. Later, when I was missing school every other minute, she half-jokingly said that I would hurry up and get healthy before my birthday, then we would go skydiving. I didn’t get better and I didn’t even really have the energy or the want to go anymore. So, we skipped the skydiving and my mom kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday instead. I didn’t have any ideas.

A few weeks later, we were in Costco and I asked my mom for a huge box of Reese’s cups for my birthday. She asked me how we got from skydiving to candy. I told her that I didn’t really want chocolate, I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to skydive, I wanted to travel the world and.. and.. and.. (I was grasping at straws trying to come up with something that sounded exciting off the top of my head) Heely on the great wall of China! But my body was broken and I wasn’t going to get any of those things, so I wanted some chocolate and I wanted some Omeprazole. She bought me the chocolate.

I don’t really remember that conversation. I very vaguely remember saying something about China at some point during that part of my life, I remember asking for chocolate and sweet talking her into buying it, but I didn’t remember them happening together. My mom brought this conversation up the other day as the moment she started thinking and planning for our trip to Beijing. She started googling air fare that night and later found a KILLER deal.  I had no idea.

We went to Beijing together and I did Heely on the great wall and it was incredible. I freaked out. It felt like a dream. I couldn’t believe the thing I had joked about was actually happening. Weirdly enough, being sick is part of what got me there.

Long story short, I went back to China as an exchange student a few months later (Click here for the long story.) If you follow me on Instagram you probably saw my pictures and saw the “picture perfect” story front that I put up.

The part of the story that you might’ve caught a small glimpse of if you happened to see my mom’s Facebook post, is that I got sick almost as soon as I got there, and I wanted to come home.

I was a lot healthier in July than I was in October. I had been diagnosed about 6 months earlier and knowing the name of and how to treat my disease had completely turned my life around. I went on Trek and I went to Girl’s camp and I was feeling like a normal person. It was wonderful.

 In a lot of ways, I didn’t want to go to Shanghai because it felt like I would go to China and come home and go straight to college and I didn’t want to go to college because I didn’t want to leave my family. So I didn’t want to go to China, I wanted to stay home and be with my family before I had to leave for college.

But oh wait I actually totally did want to go to China. I was so excited to go and do amazing things and meet amazing people. Really, the timing and my anxiety about college were the issues. (PLOT TWIST: my anxiety is caused by POTS.

I got to Shanghai, and I was hit by jetlag. Hard. I have traveled a lot, but I’ve never had very much jetlag. I had jetlag and I couldn’t sleep hardly at all. To make it worse, the bed I was sleeping on was awful. It hurt to lay down. No sleep was making me emotional. Being emotional was putting my already higher than a normal person adrenaline levels through the roof. The adrenaline made it even harder to sleep, sent my stomach into a painful mess and made me soooooooooooo anxious. I contemplated coming home 20392 times in that first week. I loved my host family and I wanted to be in China, but I wanted to sleep and I desperately wanted my mom. I felt so alone in a city of 24 million people and I didn’t know how to explain to my host family that I had a disease that was making me ridiculously sick, even though I looked absolutely fine.

I hated the way I felt. I was scared. I was tired. I was panicking about the future. I was supposed to go to college and then leave on a mission. There is absolutely no way that I could ever serve a mission in the state that I was in when I got to Shanghai. That hurt. I have wanted to serve a mission for yeeeaaarrrrssss.  

I worked out the bed situation. I was scared to ask my host family because I didn’t want to offend them, but they let me take the funky topper off of the bed and just sleep on the mattress and ohh my goodness. It felt so good to sleep on a normal bed. My mom called my doctor for me to talk POTS and he told me to double up on some of my medications. Doing those things made a HUGE difference.

The anxiety lingered. It got better when I started doubling my medications and especially better after I got over the jet lag. But it lingered. I’d like to say it was all better after those first few days, it wasn’t. It was 30498203948x better, but I wasn’t all better. I continued to have some panicky moments throughout the whole stay. I was fine when I was out and about with my host family, but there were a lot of nights that I broke down when I talked on the phone with my mom.

I would like to say I would do it again in a heartbeat. And in a lot of ways I would. I loved my host family and I can’t wait for the day I get to see them again, and I saw so many incredible things. I really learned a lot about myself and I got so much closer to my Heavenly Father. The struggles were part of what made it worth it. But it was hard.

The anxiety lingered even after I got home. I had just seen my doctor right before I left for China and I wasn’t due to see him again for months. But I needed something to be different. I told my mom there was no way I could go to college with my anxiety the way it was. So, I saw the doctor again and he and I decided together, to up my adrenaline medication. It was definitely the right decision. That wasn’t smooth off the bat either. I really struggled to move to college. I knew Weber was and is the right place for me to be right now, but I had so many awful feelings. It took some time. But I really am happy to be here. I really am doing well.

Struggling in China was a blessing in so many ways. I got my medication fixed before I left for college and I learned a few things about my health and how to take care of myself when things get out of whack. If I had been arriving at the MTC and having those issues, I would’ve HAD to come home. The 3 weeks I was in Shanghai felt like an eternityyyy. The thought of staying those 3 weeks felt too hard. Too scary. I didn’t want to not sleep for 3 weeks. Now swapping 3 weeks for 18 months and I wouldn’t’ve even tried to stay. But I made the 3 weeks and I will be much better prepared for a mission because of it. I have learned the tricks to help my body adjust to travel. I have learned the tricks to help snap my health back into MY control when it starts spiraling out of control.

The church recently updated the missionary questions, specifically in regard to mental health. And for good reason. No one should have to feel like that ever, but especially not far away from everything you’ve ever known. I wouldn’t wish those awful feelings on anyone, but especially not on a missionary. Take the time to get better before you go. I promise it will be worth it. 

 If you are struggling, physically, emotionally, mentally, go find help. It might take some time to figure out the right treatment. But don’t stop trying. You don’t deserve to feel that pain and that fear. You can still be yourself, be a student, be a missionary, be a parent, be successful, be whatever you want to be even if you have trials, even if you have an illness. I promise you that you will be a better student, a better missionary, parent, employee, friend if you love yourself enough to get the help you need and deserve. 

And... World Peace.

This last June I was a contestant in the Miss Tooele City Pageant.

Weird. I know.

I have honestly wanted to enter the pageant for a few years now, but my family was always traveling during one part or another. The crown comes with a lot of service opportunities, specifically for veterans and I am all about that. This year was finally the year. I entered the pageant.

When I was little I was the little girl that was in every talent show, and sang at every function I could. I did Missoula Children's Theater every year and I loved every minute of it. If you've met my sister Kenzi, you know that she wants to be the center of attention every minute of every day and when I was that age I was the exact same way. Honestly, part of me still is that way. I love school choir, I enjoy giving talks in church, (don’t tell) I almost auditioned for several high school plays, I enjoy entertaining. But that doesn’t mean I like the focus on me. I like to talk, but not necessarily about myself. I am more than happy to be the supporting character. I had several friends and even a few teachers tell me I should do Student Government in Highschool, but I didn’t. I chose Hope Squad instead. I was the President of the Hope Squad. I’m not one to shy away from leadership, but I chose the less visible club with the clearer focus. Nothing against Student Government, I did that in Elementary School and ran in Jr. High, those kids do so much for the schools. It just wasn’t my scene. Part of it was because I wasn’t “popular” and I didn’t really want to be. I wanted to serve. Something I realized in the middle of the pageant was that a lot of the kids I went to school with didn’t know me when I was little. They never got to see the little girl that was always singing, always acting. To the people I went to high school with, I was outgoing, I was in the choir, but I wasn’t well known and certainly not for the kinds of things you would do in a pageant. It was shocking to some people that I was comfortable enough to enter and that I planned to sing by myself. People saw me as the girl that had an unhealthy love for APUSH and posted way too much on Instagram. I wasn’t “pageant material.” (Every girl can be a pageant girl. Enter a pageant. Boom. Pageant girl.) It was weird to realize that people saw me very differently than I see myself.

That being said, the closer it got and the more work I put in to the pageant, the further out of my comfort zone I was. But not for the reasons people would think. I wasn’t nervous for an interview, I wasn’t nervous to present on stage, that was honestly my favorite part. Singing in front of the crowd didn’t scare me and neither did learning a production number. It was the stuff nobody notices that made me squirm. I ordered my dresses online, and for the most part I had pretty good luck, but there were a few things to fix on my talent dress and the slip for my white dress had to be completely re-done. That was so hard for me. To let my mom and especially my grandma put in the work to perfect my dresses was so hard. I am so normally easy going with my clothes. I wore multiple formal dresses to high school dances that I bought at DI. Having to buy expensive dresses was so hard, and then to have to fix those dresses was so much work that other people had to do for me and I felt so bad asking them to do it.

The Miss Tooele pageant has contestant workshops where they teach you how to walk and how to pose. They did not like my walking and it made me upset. Walking is not hard. Walking in heels is not hard. Having people tell me I couldn’t walk right was hard. Kaye and Hillary had to teach me how to walk. I didn’t want to focus so much time on learning something so trivial. But the Pratts made it fun, in the end I was glad I put in the effort, even if I didn’t want to.

I had to buy the right shoes and jewelry to go with each outfit and then I had to return the shoes and buy different shoes and it all felt pointless. I was after the crown for service opportunities. I didn’t want to care about my stupid shoes. But I did. And it was worth it. I looked my best and I felt my best and I was glad I took the time to have shoes that not only looked good but felt good. Cassidy’s feet were killing her all night.

My hair has natural highlights. I didn’t want to spend the time, energy and money to have my hair highlighted. I fought it because it felt like a waste. But I got my hair done, and it looked good. I got my eyelashes done (one of the few things I was excited to do) and it looked soooo goooood. It was fun to focus on me a little bit, even though I resisted at first.

Every time I turned around someone was telling me something else I needed to do for the pageant. That was hard. I felt like everyone who was helping me was making decisions for me. In the end, they were right and I was glad I listened to all their tips and tricks because it enabled me to feel so much more confident on stage. I felt like I was not only capable, but I looked capable. Like when they tell you to dress nice for a job interview, it really does make the difference.

But I drew the line when they said spray tan.

I am white enough that people make jokes about Spaniards (people from Spain, who are the whitest people I have ever seen) being almost as white as Boston. The idea of getting a spray tan made me sick and the idea that it could turn out any color except carrot puree or Lindsey Lohan was a joke to me. I did not want to get a spray tan.

          So many people tried to convince me, but I was not having it. My mom made the appointment and I told her to cancel it.

          And then my white dress came in the mail and I put it on.

          And I didn’t want to get a spray tan but I also didn’t want to wear that dress because my skin was the exact same color. I was scared to death and I made my mom come with me because I was so against it and so scared.

          But I got the spray tan.

          And I felt amazing. I looked so good. I am a very causal person and 85% of the time I don’t even wear makeup. Putting so much work into my appearance felt so useless to me. But I looked so good at the pageant and I felt on top of the world.

          My mom joked as we were driving home from the spray tan appointment the night before the pageant “You didn’t want to do that but now you look so good and you love it so much you’re gonna start being high maintenance and want to get spray tans all the time and get your eyelashes done every month.” In some ways, she was right. I would love to have my eyelashes done all the time and have to put even less work into makeup. The spray tan was subtle enough that most people wouldn’t even notice it, but it made me look so good, I would do it again. I can’t afford to do it all the time. But I would do it if I did another pageant or for special events. I liked how I looked. But I also like how I look without makeup and crazy makeup. The pageant taught me that it’s okay to like both.

          The pageant came. The work paid off. That night was so much fun. I enjoyed the pageant so much and I was so happy. I felt like I could do anything.

 As you have probably realized by now, I didn’t place at the pageant. But that night, I was so proud of myself. I learned all the trivial things I didn’t want to. I dressed up in all the ways I didn’t want to and I performed. I felt so confident in every part of that competition that night. I thought I was going to leave with a crown. But I didn’t. And that was okay. I gained a lot from the experience. Other people got the chance to see me perform, something I haven’t really done in a while. It was kind of fun to be in the spotlight, even though I usually kind of resist it. I got to play princess and care a little more about clothes and hair and makeup than I usually do. It was fun, even though I usually kind of resist it. 

A lot of people told me that I did so well at Miss Tooele City and that I should’ve competed in Miss Tooele County. I thought about it, but it really was never about the crown for me. I wanted the community opportunities and the service projects. The pageant was fun though, I considered entering the county pageant just for fun, but it was also stressful. I didn’t want to jump right back into the stress again. It was a good experience. I would recommend doing it at least once.

I had an amazing support system full of amazing people that helped me with the competition. My family, especially my mom and grandma, Heather and Brianna Lyman, Jenn Hinton who was kind enough to be my honoree that night, and the amazing Pratt family. Thank you. All of you. You helped me so much. Honestly, I think my favorite part of the pageant was the friendships that I made. I gained some amazing friends in the other contestants and got to be around amazing girls I hadn’t seen in a while. I think my favorite though was the “behind the scenes” relationships. I got to watch Miss America clips with the Lymans and interview Jenn. I was at the Pratt’s house till 2 am with my mom one night. What started as pageant prep turned into talking and laughing for hours. Putting myself out there enabled me to make incredible friendships. In the end, even though I lost, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I gained so much, even without the crown.

aaaand...World Peace.