Grateful

There are lots of things in this world to complain about. Trust me, I know. But today, I am grateful.

I got a few new pairs of compression tights a few weeks back and let me tell ya, it was awesome.

I have needed some new ones for a while now and had a few bumps in the road getting them, but 

they’re here, and I am ecstatic. All my old tights have been stretched and worn out and even have a few holes. The new ones are sooooo tight!

Look at the difference between the old tights and the new ones.

I put the new ones on and my whole head started to tingle. It feels amazing to have blood in your brain! My mom and Taylor can tell ya, my texts on the day I wore my new tights were a little silly because I was so excited. I was so happy and I felt so good. Almost too good. I kind of had a little bit of a headache by the end of the day. I felt tingley all day long.

I am so grateful to have new tights.

I am so grateful to have a little more blood in my brain and in my heart and a little less in my feet.

I am so grateful that someone invented compression gear.

I am so grateful that durable medical equipment is complex enough, yet simple enough to be clothing.

I am so grateful to have insurance that will pay for expensive compression gear.

I am grateful for medication.

I am so grateful that I found a doctor that wrote me prescription for clothing.

I am grateful for all the other prescriptions he wrote for me too.

I am grateful to have found a medical office where none of the staff treat me like a druggie or an attention seeker. Where they don’t call me “the picture of health” and ignore my pain just because my vitals look normal when I'm sitting down.

I am grateful for people who take my vitals when I'm standing up. 

I am grateful for the diagnosis that I was once terrified of. Diagnosis means treatment.

I am grateful that I am much healthier than I was last October.

There are so many things that are still so hard. There are still awful days where I feel like I am fighting with my own body. There are lots of “body positive” and “self-help” and “self-love” posts out on the internet about how your body does nothing but love you and take care of you, so you should love it back. I do love my body. But it isn’t always easy to love your body when your body is broken. My disease will probably never go away. My nervous system will never function normally.

But I am grateful that it functions better now than it used to.

I am grateful that I have learned a little bit about how to help my body help itself.

I am grateful that I didn’t stop looking for answers.

I am grateful for my bed, but I am even more grateful that I don’t feel confined to it anymore.

I am grateful that my good days now outnumber my bad days by a lot. I couldn’t say that last year. 

On China and POTS and struggles

This is gonna be rambley. Sorry. This post was originally named "How POTS got me to China the first time and almost made me leave early the second time." but that title sucks. The current title also sucks but whatevs. I don't know why I'm including the parts about Costco and Beijing. That's a completely different story than the story that is the point. I've always been the person that has to write a bit of word puke before I get my thoughts organized about the part that actually matters. I definitely did that with this post. Academically, including Costco and Beijing is lowering the power of my argument and story. This isn't academic. This isn't going viral. Very few people will read this. So I leave that part for me. Because I didn't remember it until recently and I don't want to forget it again. I'm terrible at journaling and I'm terrible at blogging. But for once I wrote a memory. So here it stays.

October 2016, I had just turned 18 and I was miserably sick with no relief in sight.

I had asked my mom months earlier if we could go skydiving for my 18^th birthday. She said she’d think about it. Later, when I was missing school every other minute, she half-jokingly said that I would hurry up and get healthy before my birthday, then we would go skydiving. I didn’t get better and I didn’t even really have the energy or the want to go anymore. So, we skipped the skydiving and my mom kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday instead. I didn’t have any ideas.

A few weeks later, we were in Costco and I asked my mom for a huge box of Reese’s cups for my birthday. She asked me how we got from skydiving to candy. I told her that I didn’t really want chocolate, I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to skydive, I wanted to travel the world and.. and.. and.. (I was grasping at straws trying to come up with something that sounded exciting off the top of my head) Heely on the great wall of China! But my body was broken and I wasn’t going to get any of those things, so I wanted some chocolate and I wanted some Omeprazole. She bought me the chocolate.

I don’t really remember that conversation. I very vaguely remember saying something about China at some point during that part of my life, I remember asking for chocolate and sweet talking her into buying it, but I didn’t remember them happening together. My mom brought this conversation up the other day as the moment she started thinking and planning for our trip to Beijing. She started googling air fare that night and later found a KILLER deal.  I had no idea.

We went to Beijing together and I did Heely on the great wall and it was incredible. I freaked out. It felt like a dream. I couldn’t believe the thing I had joked about was actually happening. Weirdly enough, being sick is part of what got me there.

Long story short, I went back to China as an exchange student a few months later (Click here for the long story.) If you follow me on Instagram you probably saw my pictures and saw the “picture perfect” story front that I put up.

The part of the story that you might’ve caught a small glimpse of if you happened to see my mom’s Facebook post, is that I got sick almost as soon as I got there, and I wanted to come home.

I was a lot healthier in July than I was in October. I had been diagnosed about 6 months earlier and knowing the name of and how to treat my disease had completely turned my life around. I went on Trek and I went to Girl’s camp and I was feeling like a normal person. It was wonderful.

 In a lot of ways, I didn’t want to go to Shanghai because it felt like I would go to China and come home and go straight to college and I didn’t want to go to college because I didn’t want to leave my family. So I didn’t want to go to China, I wanted to stay home and be with my family before I had to leave for college.

But oh wait I actually totally did want to go to China. I was so excited to go and do amazing things and meet amazing people. Really, the timing and my anxiety about college were the issues. (PLOT TWIST: my anxiety is caused by POTS.

I got to Shanghai, and I was hit by jetlag. Hard. I have traveled a lot, but I’ve never had very much jetlag. I had jetlag and I couldn’t sleep hardly at all. To make it worse, the bed I was sleeping on was awful. It hurt to lay down. No sleep was making me emotional. Being emotional was putting my already higher than a normal person adrenaline levels through the roof. The adrenaline made it even harder to sleep, sent my stomach into a painful mess and made me soooooooooooo anxious. I contemplated coming home 20392 times in that first week. I loved my host family and I wanted to be in China, but I wanted to sleep and I desperately wanted my mom. I felt so alone in a city of 24 million people and I didn’t know how to explain to my host family that I had a disease that was making me ridiculously sick, even though I looked absolutely fine.

I hated the way I felt. I was scared. I was tired. I was panicking about the future. I was supposed to go to college and then leave on a mission. There is absolutely no way that I could ever serve a mission in the state that I was in when I got to Shanghai. That hurt. I have wanted to serve a mission for yeeeaaarrrrssss.  

I worked out the bed situation. I was scared to ask my host family because I didn’t want to offend them, but they let me take the funky topper off of the bed and just sleep on the mattress and ohh my goodness. It felt so good to sleep on a normal bed. My mom called my doctor for me to talk POTS and he told me to double up on some of my medications. Doing those things made a HUGE difference.

The anxiety lingered. It got better when I started doubling my medications and especially better after I got over the jet lag. But it lingered. I’d like to say it was all better after those first few days, it wasn’t. It was 30498203948x better, but I wasn’t all better. I continued to have some panicky moments throughout the whole stay. I was fine when I was out and about with my host family, but there were a lot of nights that I broke down when I talked on the phone with my mom.

I would like to say I would do it again in a heartbeat. And in a lot of ways I would. I loved my host family and I can’t wait for the day I get to see them again, and I saw so many incredible things. I really learned a lot about myself and I got so much closer to my Heavenly Father. The struggles were part of what made it worth it. But it was hard.

The anxiety lingered even after I got home. I had just seen my doctor right before I left for China and I wasn’t due to see him again for months. But I needed something to be different. I told my mom there was no way I could go to college with my anxiety the way it was. So, I saw the doctor again and he and I decided together, to up my adrenaline medication. It was definitely the right decision. That wasn’t smooth off the bat either. I really struggled to move to college. I knew Weber was and is the right place for me to be right now, but I had so many awful feelings. It took some time. But I really am happy to be here. I really am doing well.

Struggling in China was a blessing in so many ways. I got my medication fixed before I left for college and I learned a few things about my health and how to take care of myself when things get out of whack. If I had been arriving at the MTC and having those issues, I would’ve HAD to come home. The 3 weeks I was in Shanghai felt like an eternityyyy. The thought of staying those 3 weeks felt too hard. Too scary. I didn’t want to not sleep for 3 weeks. Now swapping 3 weeks for 18 months and I wouldn’t’ve even tried to stay. But I made the 3 weeks and I will be much better prepared for a mission because of it. I have learned the tricks to help my body adjust to travel. I have learned the tricks to help snap my health back into MY control when it starts spiraling out of control.

The church recently updated the missionary questions, specifically in regard to mental health. And for good reason. No one should have to feel like that ever, but especially not far away from everything you’ve ever known. I wouldn’t wish those awful feelings on anyone, but especially not on a missionary. Take the time to get better before you go. I promise it will be worth it. 

 If you are struggling, physically, emotionally, mentally, go find help. It might take some time to figure out the right treatment. But don’t stop trying. You don’t deserve to feel that pain and that fear. You can still be yourself, be a student, be a missionary, be a parent, be successful, be whatever you want to be even if you have trials, even if you have an illness. I promise you that you will be a better student, a better missionary, parent, employee, friend if you love yourself enough to get the help you need and deserve. 

And... World Peace.

This last June I was a contestant in the Miss Tooele City Pageant.

Weird. I know.

I have honestly wanted to enter the pageant for a few years now, but my family was always traveling during one part or another. The crown comes with a lot of service opportunities, specifically for veterans and I am all about that. This year was finally the year. I entered the pageant.

When I was little I was the little girl that was in every talent show, and sang at every function I could. I did Missoula Children's Theater every year and I loved every minute of it. If you've met my sister Kenzi, you know that she wants to be the center of attention every minute of every day and when I was that age I was the exact same way. Honestly, part of me still is that way. I love school choir, I enjoy giving talks in church, (don’t tell) I almost auditioned for several high school plays, I enjoy entertaining. But that doesn’t mean I like the focus on me. I like to talk, but not necessarily about myself. I am more than happy to be the supporting character. I had several friends and even a few teachers tell me I should do Student Government in Highschool, but I didn’t. I chose Hope Squad instead. I was the President of the Hope Squad. I’m not one to shy away from leadership, but I chose the less visible club with the clearer focus. Nothing against Student Government, I did that in Elementary School and ran in Jr. High, those kids do so much for the schools. It just wasn’t my scene. Part of it was because I wasn’t “popular” and I didn’t really want to be. I wanted to serve. Something I realized in the middle of the pageant was that a lot of the kids I went to school with didn’t know me when I was little. They never got to see the little girl that was always singing, always acting. To the people I went to high school with, I was outgoing, I was in the choir, but I wasn’t well known and certainly not for the kinds of things you would do in a pageant. It was shocking to some people that I was comfortable enough to enter and that I planned to sing by myself. People saw me as the girl that had an unhealthy love for APUSH and posted way too much on Instagram. I wasn’t “pageant material.” (Every girl can be a pageant girl. Enter a pageant. Boom. Pageant girl.) It was weird to realize that people saw me very differently than I see myself.

That being said, the closer it got and the more work I put in to the pageant, the further out of my comfort zone I was. But not for the reasons people would think. I wasn’t nervous for an interview, I wasn’t nervous to present on stage, that was honestly my favorite part. Singing in front of the crowd didn’t scare me and neither did learning a production number. It was the stuff nobody notices that made me squirm. I ordered my dresses online, and for the most part I had pretty good luck, but there were a few things to fix on my talent dress and the slip for my white dress had to be completely re-done. That was so hard for me. To let my mom and especially my grandma put in the work to perfect my dresses was so hard. I am so normally easy going with my clothes. I wore multiple formal dresses to high school dances that I bought at DI. Having to buy expensive dresses was so hard, and then to have to fix those dresses was so much work that other people had to do for me and I felt so bad asking them to do it.

The Miss Tooele pageant has contestant workshops where they teach you how to walk and how to pose. They did not like my walking and it made me upset. Walking is not hard. Walking in heels is not hard. Having people tell me I couldn’t walk right was hard. Kaye and Hillary had to teach me how to walk. I didn’t want to focus so much time on learning something so trivial. But the Pratts made it fun, in the end I was glad I put in the effort, even if I didn’t want to.

I had to buy the right shoes and jewelry to go with each outfit and then I had to return the shoes and buy different shoes and it all felt pointless. I was after the crown for service opportunities. I didn’t want to care about my stupid shoes. But I did. And it was worth it. I looked my best and I felt my best and I was glad I took the time to have shoes that not only looked good but felt good. Cassidy’s feet were killing her all night.

My hair has natural highlights. I didn’t want to spend the time, energy and money to have my hair highlighted. I fought it because it felt like a waste. But I got my hair done, and it looked good. I got my eyelashes done (one of the few things I was excited to do) and it looked soooo goooood. It was fun to focus on me a little bit, even though I resisted at first.

Every time I turned around someone was telling me something else I needed to do for the pageant. That was hard. I felt like everyone who was helping me was making decisions for me. In the end, they were right and I was glad I listened to all their tips and tricks because it enabled me to feel so much more confident on stage. I felt like I was not only capable, but I looked capable. Like when they tell you to dress nice for a job interview, it really does make the difference.

But I drew the line when they said spray tan.

I am white enough that people make jokes about Spaniards (people from Spain, who are the whitest people I have ever seen) being almost as white as Boston. The idea of getting a spray tan made me sick and the idea that it could turn out any color except carrot puree or Lindsey Lohan was a joke to me. I did not want to get a spray tan.

          So many people tried to convince me, but I was not having it. My mom made the appointment and I told her to cancel it.

          And then my white dress came in the mail and I put it on.

          And I didn’t want to get a spray tan but I also didn’t want to wear that dress because my skin was the exact same color. I was scared to death and I made my mom come with me because I was so against it and so scared.

          But I got the spray tan.

          And I felt amazing. I looked so good. I am a very causal person and 85% of the time I don’t even wear makeup. Putting so much work into my appearance felt so useless to me. But I looked so good at the pageant and I felt on top of the world.

          My mom joked as we were driving home from the spray tan appointment the night before the pageant “You didn’t want to do that but now you look so good and you love it so much you’re gonna start being high maintenance and want to get spray tans all the time and get your eyelashes done every month.” In some ways, she was right. I would love to have my eyelashes done all the time and have to put even less work into makeup. The spray tan was subtle enough that most people wouldn’t even notice it, but it made me look so good, I would do it again. I can’t afford to do it all the time. But I would do it if I did another pageant or for special events. I liked how I looked. But I also like how I look without makeup and crazy makeup. The pageant taught me that it’s okay to like both.

          The pageant came. The work paid off. That night was so much fun. I enjoyed the pageant so much and I was so happy. I felt like I could do anything.

 As you have probably realized by now, I didn’t place at the pageant. But that night, I was so proud of myself. I learned all the trivial things I didn’t want to. I dressed up in all the ways I didn’t want to and I performed. I felt so confident in every part of that competition that night. I thought I was going to leave with a crown. But I didn’t. And that was okay. I gained a lot from the experience. Other people got the chance to see me perform, something I haven’t really done in a while. It was kind of fun to be in the spotlight, even though I usually kind of resist it. I got to play princess and care a little more about clothes and hair and makeup than I usually do. It was fun, even though I usually kind of resist it. 

A lot of people told me that I did so well at Miss Tooele City and that I should’ve competed in Miss Tooele County. I thought about it, but it really was never about the crown for me. I wanted the community opportunities and the service projects. The pageant was fun though, I considered entering the county pageant just for fun, but it was also stressful. I didn’t want to jump right back into the stress again. It was a good experience. I would recommend doing it at least once.

I had an amazing support system full of amazing people that helped me with the competition. My family, especially my mom and grandma, Heather and Brianna Lyman, Jenn Hinton who was kind enough to be my honoree that night, and the amazing Pratt family. Thank you. All of you. You helped me so much. Honestly, I think my favorite part of the pageant was the friendships that I made. I gained some amazing friends in the other contestants and got to be around amazing girls I hadn’t seen in a while. I think my favorite though was the “behind the scenes” relationships. I got to watch Miss America clips with the Lymans and interview Jenn. I was at the Pratt’s house till 2 am with my mom one night. What started as pageant prep turned into talking and laughing for hours. Putting myself out there enabled me to make incredible friendships. In the end, even though I lost, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I gained so much, even without the crown.

aaaand...World Peace.

MBTI yadayada blah

Boston Anderson

Lonnie Jujan

UNIV 1105

            My Myers Briggs Type Indicator Test results were ESFP. Extraversion, Sensing, Feeling and Perceiving. I’m not sure I completely agree or disagree with these results, mostly because I hate the idea of putting myself into 4 little boxes.

            Extraversion: I am an extrovert. I’ve always known that. Being around people gives me energy and joy. But, I hate small talk. Coming to college has been hard for me because every conversation is the same. “What’s your name? Where do you live? What are you studying?” I would rather not talk at all than have the same stupid conversation with hundreds of strangers I don’t care about. Real conversations, with real friends, that’s what I love. I love to hear and tell stories and I love to interact with people, when people are being themselves. Fake smiles and constant talking are off-putting for me.

            I hate being alone. But in many ways, I am used to it. My senior year of high school, just last year, I was very sick and spent a lot of time at home alone. I’m used to entertaining myself. I would rather be alone than be with strangers, but I would rather be with friends than be alone.

            Sensing: This is my closest to the middle category, and I knew it would be, I am only 1 point into the sensing category, but I thought I would be close to the line on the intuition side. I feel like I am pretty intuitive. I notice patterns, I usually focus on the “big picture.” Sometimes I have to remind myself to enjoy the present rather than constantly looking to the future. I thought I would be an intuitive. So where does my “sensing” side come from? I am a tactile learner. I’m a sucker for textures and l love to touch things. When I walk through stores, especially clothing stores, I have a difficult time not touching everything. Much as I have a focus on the future, I am a here and now problem solver. I don’t wait to get things done. I want to get difficult tasks out of the way so I can enjoy myself more now.

            Being close to the line doesn’t bother me. Like I said earlier, I hate the idea of putting myself in a box. The closer to the line you are, the more skills from both categories you can comfortably use and the more you can relate to other people.

            Feeling: This one was my toss-up. I knew beforehand that I was an extrovert and a perceiver and I knew I would be close to the line on sensing and intuition. But feeling and thinking, I had no idea. So, for a little while I thought maybe this one would be close to the middle line as well. Then I realized, the way I act is close to the line. I am a feeler. I would love to make every decision with my heart. But I am also a critical thinker. I realized that when I make decisions, I think through the options critically at first, then I make a decision, and then I wait to see how that decision feels. In the end, I make decisions based on feeling, even if it isn’t the choice that makes the most logical sense. But I try to align the two.

When it was time for me to pick a college, I had a lot of mixed up feelings. I wanted to go everywhere and nowhere. So, I used my heart to weed out the schools I definitely did not want to go to. Then I went through the pros and cons of the remaining schools, with a big emphasis on money. Weber was not the winner of the critical thinking contest. Logically, it made more sense for me to go to another school. But it didn’t feel right.  Weber was in second place on the pro/con list, and it felt right. So even though it made more sense to go elsewhere, I worked hard to find scholarships to make it so it made sense to go to Weber. In the end, I found so many scholarships that Weber moved up to the top of the list.

Perceiving: I knew this one. I am spontaneous and flexible. I think some of that comes from my parents being that way. Back in July, there was a day where my family sat down and figured out everyone’s schedules for the rest of the summer. We realized that if we wanted any kind of family vacation, we needed to leave the next day. So, we did. It was so much fun!

I try really hard to take a planned approach to things like school and work. I’m a procrastinator and a night owl who is trying to go to college and change some of her habits. I want to stress less, so I am trying to plan more. Much as I love spontaneity, I understand the need for dependability. I am a perceiver who is trying to act a little more like a judger. 

I am trying to talk a little less and listen a little more. I am trying to think through decisions with my mind and my heart to make sure I find the best choices that will make me the happiest. I’m trying to make flexible plans. Not everything can be spur of the moment, but life isn’t fun when everything is planned out for you. Most of all I am trying to enjoy the ups and downs as they come. I am trying to handle life the best I possibly can.

Much as I hate the idea of putting myself in a box, this test has helped me to see some of my strengths and weaknesses. It has also helped me to see that each type has their own strengths. I think it’s really important for all of us to understand that people who are different than us are not wrong or bad or scary. We are all just people trying to get through life the best we possibly can. Everyone I have ever met knows something I don’t and I know something they don’t. We all have something to learn from each other. We all have different ways of dealing with life and with our challenges. Companies with greater diversity have greater success. We all think differently and have different things to offer. This makes us better and stronger. Embracing others and their ideas and strengths make us better, smarter, happier people.

A few (of many) thoughts from Shanghai

My 3 weeks in China were somehow everything I expected, and nothing like I expected at the same time. It was amazing, more than I ever could’ve imagined- but harder than I ever could’ve imagined too. I’ve traveled a lot, but I’ve never had much jet-lag, not even when my family visited Japan. I had also never been to another country alone. I was surprised to find myself homesick an exhausted. Somewhat due to exhaustion, the first few days I felt a little sick as well. It was hard to be so far from my family and feel sick. But it too passed. My internal clock adjusted. As I warmed up to my host family, I became less homesick and less anxious. It was such an amazing experience and I’m so very grateful for the chance I had to go, even though it wasn’t always perfect. It gave me opportunities to stretch and grow and change.

                Something I was nervous about before I left was food. I’m pretty willing to try new foods, but also, food can make or break an experience. There were definitely foods that I tried that I absolutely hated. But overall, I was blessed to be in a home with two cute grandmas that made delicious food. Authentic Chinese food is very different than any food in the U.S. and almost every meal I was intimidated and nervous about the weird looking food. But at almost every meal I was pleasantly surprised at how good the food was. As I leave for college and start cooking for myself I will definitely be trying to imitate some of those Chinese meals!

                I was beyond blessed with the most amazing host family. The Chinese are big on English names, mostly because Americans suck at saying Chinese names. My host parents were Harry and Echo. My host sister was 16-year-old Rachel and my host brother was 10-year-old Kevin. Both grandmothers were home for the summer as well.  They were the sweetest. Echo and Rachel both had fabulous English that I was so so grateful for.

One of my very favorite things was sitting and talking with my host mother. She had the greatest stories. She and I talked to no end about the differences in culture between our two countries, about love and life, college and family. She talked to me in English about things I never would’ve guessed we could have. I didn’t expect anyone’s English to be good enough to tell me about their fears of sky-diving and their problems worries about their children. She was by far the person that put me the most at ease and made me feel important and cared for. I love her.

 My host father Harry, desperately wanted to talk to me but had to have his wife or daughter translate for us every time. But he told me stories too. Just because he didn’t speak my language didn’t mean he didn’t care. He told me about his job and asked about my family back home. He told me ancient Chinese stories and teased me about boys. He asked me if he could be my Chinese dad. I am so grateful for the relationships I made.

Kevin became the translators for his grandmothers when his parents weren’t around. He didn’t understand anything I said to him but he tried his best to fill me in on when it was time to eat or go somewhere. He taught me Chinese words and held my hand while we walked around the busy city. He had a fit every I beat him at Chinese Checkers, and cackled every time he beat me at Chinese Chess, just like a good little brother would.

Rachel, poor girl had to be my tour guide. Rachel is for sure a homebody and would’ve preferred not to go out as much as we did. But she was good to me and showed me the sights and introduced me to her friends. We bonded over Taylor Swift music and the movie La La Land. She loves practicing English and recently started taking Spanish classes as well. There are few things more adorable in this world that Spanish with a Chinese accent. Rachel is super interested in Psychology and wants to go to college in the U.S. She is my Chinese sister and I am so grateful I had her.

The grandmothers spoke no English but they worked hard to make me feel welcome anyway. They cooked delicious food and were always concerned that I had enough to eat. Every night the grandmothers went for a walk to “help them stay fit.” They invited me along every night. Sometimes other members of the family would come as well and I would talk and talk with echo and Kevin would teach me Chinese words. Other nights it was just me and the grandmas. They made a point of showing me they cared, even thought they had 0 English skills. Those nightly walks were one of my favorite parts of my trip to China because it was a chance to see the city and the people.

Some of the amazing things I saw in China were the Shanghai Museum, The People’s Square, The Bund, Jinjiang Park, Minhang Sports Park, sooooo many malls and so much more. I learned to make Dumplings, I ate Dog Neck and went to a hot pot restaurant, I sang bad karaoke with people I had just met and I got to experience the 2 hottest days on Record in Shanghai since the 1800’s. I stretched and grew as a person and I learned a lot about myself and who I want to become. I made lasting friendships with people I am absolutely certain I will see again. I learned so much about a culture that is so vastly different than my own, but so similar as well. I was stared at everywhere I went because I’m very white with blonde hair. I had people come up and ask to take pictures with me.

One experience that I wasn’t expecting to be quite as meaningful as it turned out to be was standing on The Bund. In my bedroom at home I have silhouettes of skylines from all over the world, places I dream of traveling to on my walls. The Bund Riverside Walk is the perfect place to take pictures of the Shanghai skyline with all the “Shanghaiish” things. I was standing there with Rachel looking at that beautiful skyline in real life. The image I had been staring at for years on my bedroom wall was no longer a silhouette, it was real. The Pearl Tower and The World Financial Center and all the other skyscrapers were right in front of me and so beautiful. I was there. I stood there for a minute thinking about how big the world is and how small I am and how I couldn’t believe that it was all real. Then a lady walked up to me and asked me in broken English to take a picture with her little boy.

I sometimes still can’t believe it was all real.

To see more pictures of Shanghai Shenanigans you can check out my instagram @boston_sassachusetts and #BostonsChinanigans

Long Story Long

Early in my junior year of high school (2015) I had a conversation with my good friend Stan while working on an anatomy project, about a summer exchange trip to Spain he had taken over the summer. Travel has always intrigued me and I asked him many more questions than he probably wanted or expected, but that was fine because he loves to talk. In particular, he loves to talk about that trip to Spain.

                He explained that a representative had come into his French class and presented on a scholarship opportunity to spend 3 weeks living in France with a host family. Stan applied for the France trip, interviewed, and was then told that if he accepted the scholarship they offered him, he would be going to a Spanish acquisition summer camp in Spain, rather than to a host family in France. He took a chance even though he had been studying French not Spanish and went to summer camp in a castle near Madrid. He loved every minute of it.

                He told me the name of the company that had sponsored him and I went home and spent hours trying to find the website. I never found it and after a few days, I forgot about it.

                Flash forward to January. (2016)

                I had just had my tonsils out. Literally. Like that morning. I was home, higher than a kite and struggling to sleep. I got a text from Taylor, the kid that sat next to me in Spanish class. A representative had come into our Spanish class while I was gone and presented on a scholarship opportunity to spend 3 weeks living with a host family in Spain, France or China. The only requirement was to create an art project and agree to host a Chinese student for a few weeks in the summer.  He said that the application deadline was soon and gave me a website (the one I had looked and looked and looked for but never found.) Taylor said that it “Didn’t really sound like something I (Taylor) would enjoy, but it sounded like something you (me, Boston) would be interested in.”

                I was high out of my mind, but coherent or not, I couldn’t understand why he (or anyone) wouldn’t be interested in a free trip to a foreign country. (I still can’t.)

                I was high out of my mind but I spent the next couple of days trying to not only put together an application, but to convince Taylor to do the same. (All while trying not to fall asleep into my mashed potatoes.)  It was not easy to put an application together on pain killers. It was not easy to convince Taylor to apply. His parents didn’t want to host a Chinese student. “You have nothing to lose by applying, you hardly have a chance, what’s the worst that could happen?” I asked. (Famous last words.) We both struggled through the application process, and finally his dad gave him permission to turn in an application, thinking there was no way anything would come of it.

                Taylor was picked to have a skype interview.

                I was not. (I did the whole thing on heavy pain meds. What chance did I actually have?)

                His interview went great and a few days later, he was given the amazing news that he had been picked to go to that same summer camp in Madrid.

                I think I was happier than he was. (At this point I should probably mention we had become pretty good friends through this whole thing.) He was excited, but nervous. More than once between February when he learned he was going and July when he actually left he said to me “I wish it was you.” If you ask him about it now, he will talk your ear off just like Stan will (and listening to them talk about that summer camp to each other is right on the borderline of annoying, but mostly it’s super cool.) Before he left though, he was so nervous. His parents weren’t happy about becoming a host family either. But he went. And I was so happy for him but so jealous. (I was jealous of Stan too, let’s be real.) Taylor had an amazing time in Spain and met so many cool people. His pictures are sooooo cool and I hope to someday visit that beautiful country. He grew up a lot while he was gone too.

                Flash forward to December. (Still 2016)

                2017 was my high school graduation year, but it was also my momma’s college graduation year. So, as a birthday/Christmas/graduation trip, my mom found cheap plane tickets and on Christmas my mom told me that we were going to China together.

                I was ecstatic.

                January 2017.

                Taylor decided that he was going to apply again to AILI and see if he could go again. (“What do I have to lose?” he said as he carefully avoided telling his mom he was submitting another application.) It was my senior year and I didn’t even consider applying because I was 18 and graduating. There was no way I was even eligible. Suddenly roles were reversed as Taylor worked to convince me to check the age limit and apply again.

                With the application to AILI you have to submit an art project. My first project (the one where I had just had my tonsils out, been super sick and then taken to the ER for potential drug overdose) was a photo collage because I was simply not mentally or physically capable of anything more. Don’t get me wrong, that collage was cool, but the point of the project is to make your application stand out. That one didn’t. That first project was boring and just like everyone else. The second time I applied, I wrote an essay.

                BORING!

                You think I’m joking, I’m not. Boring as it sounds, I wrote a piece about the universal language. I was picked for a skype interview. During that interview, they told me that my essay was above and beyond any application essay they had ever seen. They talked to me for almost double the amount of time they were scheduled for. Honestly, I left that interview feeling like I had made some new friends. (I wish every interview felt like that.) I thought for sure I was going to be one of the scholarship winners and get to go stay in that beautiful castle that Stan and Taylor had shown me amazing pictures of.

                On February 14^th, my mom and I mailed off our visa applications for China.

                On February 17^th, I was super sick. I had been throwing up all day and had not even managed to get up the stairs. I spent the whole day in bed and in the bathroom. It was a terrible day. Late that night, my terrible day turned around.

                I got a phone call from an out of state number and my heart started racing. (what else is new?) The program coordinator called to tell me that they liked my application and had loved my interview. They picked me.

“You don’t get your first choice though. We can’t send you to Spain. However, we have picked you to go to China if you’re interested. The only extra thing with China is, you have to get a visa to go in your passport, do you think you can do that?” she asked.

I couldn’t help but laugh a little to myself as I told her that a visa wouldn’t be a problem and that I couldn’t wait. They picked me. It was real. It is real. I am going to spend 3 weeks living with a host family in Shanghai.

I never did tell them about my trip to Beijing with my momma back in April. I doubt they would’ve cared. When I tell people that I just went to China and now I am going back, they get a little confused. I usually try make the long story short as I explain my scholarship. It’s too crazy of a story and feels just a little bit like something out of a book or movie. Stuff like this doesn’t happen in real life. There you go, now you know the long story. (and the story of how Taylor and I became such good friends.)

When I was 12 I traveled to Washington DC as a student ambassador by myself. My mom was super scared and I didn’t really get nervous until the night before. This time, my mom is totally chill, but I am a little anxious about traveling to a foreign country and living with strangers for a few weeks. I am so excited, but I am scared too.

It was amazing to see the change in Taylor when he came home from Spain. He learned and grew so much. I am excited to learn and grow myself. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that God has a hand in everything. I often wonder why I am going to China and not Spain. I am anxiously excited to find out. I often hear people say the phrase “nothing to lose.” Right now however, I am excited at the idea of everything I have to gain.

If you are a high school student ages 14-18 who is interested in applying for a free trip to Italy, France, Spain or China, check out this website!

Follow my trip on Instagram! @boston_sassachusetts 

My very late graduation speech.

Back in April I tried out to give a graduation speech. My speech was not chosen and I was very sad. My good friend Taryn was chosen instead. Sad as I was about the missed opportunity, her speech was much better than mine and I am honestly glad they chose hers. However, I usually share the writings I am most proud of. If anyone is interested, here is my speech:

Sophomore year I took Honors Chemistry and Mrs. Embleton insisted that before she will give me my diploma, Mrs. Warr will first ask me what Earth’s atmospheric makeup is. I hope she was lying, but just in case, it’s 78% nitrogen and 21% oxygen.

Thank goodness that wasn’t the only thing I learned. Real fast, just to name a few more things I had to memorize throughout high school: The mitochondria is the power house of the cell, Ligaments connect bone to bone, and I learned the quadratic equation. I learned SOAPstone and un poco espanol and that the House of Representatives has 435 members and the Senate has 100 members.

But facts weren’t the only thing we learned because high school is an educational experience on more than one front. I learned how to do my homework to fit what a teacher is looking for, which my mom says is one of the most important things she learned in college.  I learned which drinking fountains had the coldest water and I learned the best places to take naps in the school.  I learned how to push teacher’s buttons on a personal level. (For that I apologize to every teacher that ever had me, in particular I’d like to apologize to Mr. Henry.) I learned how to laugh when people ask me about embarrassing stories from sophomore year. (If you haven’t heard my chick pick story, you’re missing out.) I learned that you won’t remember the sleep you lost but you will remember the grade you got, another lesson I plan to take with me to college.

I learned that being smart is incredibly important, but I also learned that being smart will only get you so far. This world is full of people. People are what matter in this world. Social skills are so much more important than many people realize and while you can make up for not being the smartest by being kind, it is much harder to make up for being rude by being smart.  If you can’t be friends with people who are different than you, then you’re in for a rude awakening.

Relationships that matter are never going to be easy. That goes for families, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, roommates, pets, everyone. If you want someone in your life, make it apparent. It’s hard to be vulnerable. But being vulnerable is what makes people real and beautiful. Owning your shame and living your life with open arms to love and accept yourself and love and accept others is incredibly liberating and incredibly powerful.

 Everyone here graduating has a little bit of “I want to change the world” inside them. If I’ve learned anything about this world, it’s that you don’t have to single handedly change the world or single handedly change people. You just have to show people that you love them and they will change both on their own.

Along with that I’d like to say that Mental health matters. Your life matters. You matter. I’m going to make a bold statement and say that I think that almost every single person in this room will one day find themselves standing in a mental hospital, if they haven’t already done it. You might be there for an appointment, or you might be admitted. Or maybe you will be visiting your best friend. It might be your spouse or your child. Maybe it will be a parent or a sibling. I won’t lie to you, it will probably be a little scary, but it is not the end. Life goes on. Life gets better. Love goes on. Hope is real. Decide to care about your own health and the health of the people that matter to you. Deciding to care changes the quality of the outcome big time.

We will all leave today and head on our own way in different directions to different places. For some of us, the next step is college or trade school. For others it’s a mission. Maybe for you the next step is getting married. Some of us aren’t sure yet, and that’s okay too. There isn’t one right answer.

Take a chance, and say “yes” to something you are afraid to do. Stand up for yourself and say “no” when you have to, no still means no.  Even though we are now “real adults” it’s still okay to say “I don’t know.” Even though more people will be depending on us more from here on out, it is still okay to say “I’ll get back to you.” Like when your parents ask when you’re going to move out and stop eating all their food, say “I don’t know, I’ll get back to you.”

Even though we are now “real adults” it’s still okay to be afraid. Change is scary. Letting go of things that are comfortable is scary. But it is scarier if you don’t control the things you can control. If you don’t like where you are in life, change it. Don’t let life drag you forward. Step up and start making decisions. Baby steps are okay, but make them purposeful baby steps.

You are smart. You are capable. You have more power than almost everyone in all of human history. You can wake up every day and take a hot shower with clean water. You can hold all kinds of incredible information about the universe in the palm of your hand. You are powerful. Do something with that power. We live in a time where we as humans are creating and solving problems with incredible speed. All I am asking you to do is solve more problems than you create.

Life very rarely goes as planned. Learn to be flexible. Learn to roll with the punches. Sometimes the best things come from the biggest trials and the most unlikely circumstances. As crazy and chaotic as life is, someday we will all find happiness and find exactly what we’re looking for in life. Or we won’t. I sincerely hope we all find something better than we could’ve possibly imagined.

I’d like to close on a bit of a lighter note if that’s okay by saying: Don’t give advice, because it always comes back to bite you and don’t take advice because it never works. So, here’s my advice. Hydrate, exfoliate, and prioritize your assignments to finish them in order of when they are due. In other words: Hydrate. Exfoliate. Procrastinate.

Universal Language.

The summer I was 15 my family hosted an exchange student from Japan. Her name is Erika and to this day she is one of my very best friends. When we picked her up from the host program and headed home, we had an interesting car ride home. My family does not speak Japanese. Her English was really great compared to most of the students we have hosted in the past, but she was definitely out of her comfort zone trying to communicate. We giggled at ourselves trying and failing to communicate for a while, and then Erika started singing Disney songs. The deal was sealed. We were friends. We had a language barrier, but music is the universal language. We became friends through Frozen and Tangled.

It was even more amazing a year later when we visited Erika and her family in Nara, Japan when she remembered the tune and some of the words to a song my mother and I had taught her without realizing it. We stood together in a public bathroom on the other side of the world singing one of my favorite songs because it was a powerful memory of me for Erika. Now it is also a powerful memory of Erika for me.

A year after that I was a teen camp counselor for the same exchange program that brought my best friend Erika to me. At this teen camp, there were over 300 Japanese kids spending a week together in Utah before they were sent to host families. They performed amazing cultural presentations and taught us about the home they dearly love. They taught us a song and dance about fishermen catching giant fish. I didn’t understand the words, but I understood that it was important to my friends, and they are important to me.

Throughout my high school choir experience, I have sung amazing songs from all over the world. Brazilian-Portuguese songs about lace-makers, Catalan pieces about floods, Latin songs about God and happiness, Chinese songs about nothingness and Mongolian songs about horses to name a few. I love the experience of not only learning a new song, but learning part of a new language and learning about the culture that accompanies it. Chinese songs about nothingness become a lot more meaningful when you learn the story behind it, monks that learned to meditate and communicate with their own selves. Creepy sounding Catalan pieces become much more moving when you learn the story of a flood, tragedy and death and then rebuilding. I never experienced those things myself, but I sang about them. I told the stories and I felt them. The music and the stories made me think about life differently, even though I don’t speak the languages. Music is the universal language.

 One of my favorites I have ever done is a French piece called ‘Ouvre Ton Coeur.’ It means “Open your heart.” When translated correctly, it is a romantic love song, but “Open your heart” can mean so much more than romantic love. Opening your heart means accepting others regardless of their differences. It means standing up for those that are bullied and oppressed, regardless of where they live. It means forgiving those who have wronged you. Opening your heart can mean gathering your courage, stepping up and doing something that scares you. For me, one of the best examples of opening your heart is traveling, meeting new people and experiencing new cultures. The language of music has inspired me to want to learn more. To experience more. To help more. To become more.

Many times, we think of culture as the way people dress or the kind of food eaten in a particular place. The culture of music isn’t quite as tangible. However, it is more universal. One of the biggest things I have learned through hosting exchange students is that people are just people. We have many differences, but we are all just trying to live the best life we possibly can. We’re not as different as we sometimes think. We come together through the things we have in common. My favorite one is music.